The monster under my skin
by smaragdbird
Summary: He knows it's wrong to want it, but it's getting harder to restrain himself. Becker/Ethan slash, warning for violence


It had been easier in Afghanistan. There he hadn't been top of the command chain. There he had killed people. He had only needed to restrain himself from killing mindlessly but not from killing in general.

Becker was still amazed that the army shrink had never picked up on him but then maybe they had. Maybe that was why instead of sending him on a second tour they had given him to the ARC instead.

Maybe but he had never been a cruel officer, never had taken out his bloodlust on his men. He wasn't a sadist. It was death he craved not violence(others had nightmares about Afghanistan but he missed it, yearning for it).

At the ARC…they were animals mostly (in his dreams he pulled the trigger on Helen, on Christine, on Wilder) which should have been a letdown but it wasn't or at least as long as Abby wasn't around. She proved to be a quite effective restrain for him. But he still got to kill, less than before but the challenge was higher.

While she had been gone together with Connor and Danny, there had been no one to hold him back. He killed, killed the Future Predators, the Giant Ants, every single creature that came through. He always had some flimsy justification ready in case Lester asked but he never did.

There was a year in which he tore through creatures with an anger that surprised him. Matt didn't like it but he never tried to hold back Becker either until he came up with those damn EMP's. The fact that he got back Abby and Connor barely registered.

"I can see it", Ethan whispered to him, leaning forward from the backseat. "It's in your eyes."

"What are you talking about?" Becker asked, mildly annoyed. Ever since Matt introduced those damn EMP's his body had been screaming for blood and death. He was seeing Ethan in the rear view mirror and imagined snapping his neck.

But Ethan only smirked and leaned back, holding Becker's eyes in the mirror for the whole journey.

"It's in the eyes" Ethan told him when Becker unlocked the handcuffs. "It's your eyes."

"And what exactly is that?" Danny was back and all Becker could think about how many things Danny had to have killed, how he killed Helen.

"Death" Ethan was so close Becker could feel the word against his skin. "You're just like me."

Becker was going to say something along the lines of "We're not" but the promise in Ethan's eyes made him stop.

"You want to kill them, that's all you see when you look at them." Ethan's hands flitted lightly over his jacket, not quite touching but close. "You enjoy it."

Becker looked down but Ethan pressed his hands against his chest.

"We're the same, animals, humans, it doesn't matter. We're the same."

"I can't", Becker managed to say.

"That's not what I'm asking. Come with me to the gateway. Leave this place, hunt. You haven't even begun to see what's waiting for us out there: kill whenever you want to, whoever you want to. Nothing and no one holding you back." Temptation was looking him in the face and all he had so say was no. All he had to do was lie.

Ethan looked into his eyes, smirking, too close, too persuasive, as if he was reading Becker's every thought. "It's been too long for you, hasn't it? You would have savoured it if you had gotten the chance to put a bullet in my head."

"My friends-"

"Do you think you can protect them?" Ethan laughed at the back of his throat. "Do you think you can protect them from yourself? Don't tell me you wouldn't just love to see the look of surprise on Abby's face when you shoot her, the sound Jess would make when you strangle her, feel the blood on your hands when you cut Connor's throat."

Becker swallowed hard against the images Ethan was creating in his mind. He was trembling against Ethan's hands still on his chest.

"Your friends don't understand. They will never understand even if you limit yourself to animals. And they don't let do that either, don't they? That's why you have this little stun gun."

"Matt-"

"Of course, your own lunatic, running around, ruining things, you must have just loved that", Ethan's smirk turned slightly wider. One of his hands slid up to tangle into Becker's hair at the back of his neck. "I know you'd love to snap that guard's neck outside the door."

Becker hesitated. He couldn't think with Ethan so close, with having gone for so long without killing. Killing had never been linked to sex before but Ethan made that connection as if it had always been there. He wanted…He wanted exactly what Ethan had said, wanted it so badly he could taste it, smell it, feel it.

"Now", Ethan's lips almost touched his when he whispered this, "get us out of here."

Becker kissed him, twisting his hands into Ethan's hair and clothes, blood and sweat and bliss so brutal it bruised the flesh, tore at the soul.

Becker opened the door.

The guard had barely time to twist his head before Becker snapped his neck, quick, efficiently with bloodlust thrumming in his veins.

"I knew you would" Ethan said, kissing him again, eyes shining bright.

"Follow me", Becker said harshly. Despite everything he didn't want to harm his friends. He got them out quickly and without any further incident and only made a small stop at his flat to pick up his weapons he kept there.

"Where are we going?" Ethan asked as soon as they had left the ARC but were obviously not heading towards the anomaly inside the prison.

"Thought you might want to go through an anomaly that doesn't lead into Victorian London" Becker countered, stopping in front of Christine Johnson's old headquarters.

"Oh, the worlds I'm going to show you", Ethan promised with a breathless grin.

"Yeah?" Becker grinned back, still feeling his last kill coursing through his blood.

"Yeah" Ethan licked his lips, "more than you could ever imagine."

"Lead the way then."


End file.
